Some things are made of wood
by dustbunnies710
Summary: Professor Snape has something very important to show his potions class. contains slash, if that squicks you don't read por favor.


Snape opened the dungeon doors with a bang, immediately shutting up the Gryffindors and Slytherins who were talking amongst themselves. He strut quickly between the desks making his way to the front of the classroom. Pointing his want behind him as he walked he whispered a spell making both doors shut with a snap! His long black robe billowed out as he walked nearly making it all the way around him when he stopped and turned around sharply.

"There will be no making of potions today-"A happy chatter rose at hearing those words. Only Hermione was left looking disappointed as she slumped in her seat a little.

"-However," Snape continued giving the class a dangerous look that quickly put their attention back on him.

"That does not mean you will not be doing work. Take out your quills and parchment, today you will all be taking notes. Perhaps some of you with even _learn_ something" His eyes lingered distastefully on Neville as he said those last few words.

Snape waved his want and a trunk floated out of a closet coming to rest on his desk at the head of the class. He reached inside the trunk, a small smirk gracing his features as he obviously found what he was looking for. Pulling a wooden puppet from the trunk, he smiled deviously at it before saying "But-I have a feeling that _everyone_ will learn quite a bit today."

Hermione squealed excitedly as Snape slyly pulled out Pinocchio from the trunk.

"What is that?" Harry scoffed.

"No, I heard about this!" Hermione exclaimed happily. "Sometimes Potions masters make us eat wood so we can conjure potions better!" She winked not so slyly at Snape.

"Actually," Snape whipped off his cloak, revealing his naked body. Several students' emitted screams, and Hermione fainted.

"You Bastard!" Ron seethed, striding forward, and socking it to Snape.

"No!" Snape flew backwards, and Ron giggled. "Save me Pinocchio!" Snape screamed.

"I love you." Pinocchio whispered and his nose shot out poking through Ron's eye.

"My body!" Ron and Snape screamed as they ejaculated simultaneously.

"I'm hungry!" Harry whined, leaving the dungeons to fuck Dolores Umbridge.

"Now watch carefully." Snape got up, and pulled Pinocchio out of Ron's eye with a sickening squelch.

Ripping off Pinocchio's Birkenstocks, Snape carefully started to insert Pinocchio's elongated pointy nose vigorously in his anus.

Crabbe and Goyle leaned forward eagerly, and Draco whipped out a celery stick, shit on it, then lit it on fire and threw it on the unconscious Hermione.

"Tell me you want me!" Snape shivered in anticipation and Pinocchio groaned loudly.

"I want you!" And his nose grew longer, ripping through Snape's asshole tendons and going up his stomach.

Just then, the (literally) flaming Hermione woke up and began screaming as Draco's shit began sliding down her cranium.

"Help me Severus!" She shrieked as the sent of burning flush rose in the air.

"I'm a little busy 'Mione" Snape climaxed and sweated profusely.

"Fuck me please!" Hermione screamed.

Some students looked at each other a little uncertain. Suddenly, Seamus stoop up as music began playing. Ripping off his clothes, Seamus stood in a pink tutu.

"I wash my body!" He twirled off to fuck Madame Hooch.

Still literally flaming Hermione ran over to Snape and tired fucking his erect penis. However, Pinocchio threw out spindly wooden arms and bitch slapped Hermione to kingdom come.

"My body!" Hermione swirled through the air, and pissed on everyone as she went.

Hermione landed with a thud on Nevilles desk.

"I finally get it! Now all that's left is—OH GOD!" Neville exclaimed as he held his side "My kidney!"

He turned towards Seamus who stopped just short of leaving the dungeons to face Neville.

"You son of a bitch!" Neville screamed pointing an accusatory finger at Seamus.

"You did this to me you sick bastard! Don't think I don't know about how you are always gay and obsessed with sex in fan fiction! I-OH GOD-SYPHILLIS!" and with that he ran out of the dungeon waving his arms wildly.

Hermione awoke. Standing shakily, she turned towards Pinocchio with a wild look in her eye.

"It's on, you twat!" She screamed as she pulled a flamethrower from her pants.

Pinocchio pulled out of Snape, pushing him out of the way from Hermione's dangerous weapon.

"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" Snape yelled dejectedly as Hermione turned her flamethrower on Pinocchio.

"Oooh, you better get some aloe for that burn." Hermione had a triumphant smirk on her face as she blew on the end of her flamethrower.

Just then, without warning the back of the dungeon creaked open revealing Sirius Black.

"Sweet Jesus" Exclaimed Ron, now sporting a nifty eye patch and peg leg (because you have to have a peg leg). "We thought you were dead…"

"No-"Sirius began "I'm not dead, the veil was actually a portal to Servus's secret love chamber."


End file.
